EGG SAC

Two words that should not be allowed to sit together. EGG and SAC. Do you have an acitive imagination? Do you picture 1000 little wet spider babies swarming out of that hideous pod sac? What a disgusting word. Sac. Not even a cute "K" to make it nice. Sack. No, it's like the K said "I'm not being seen with that gross word." That's why sack is called sac.
.
The sac opens up and now they can spread all over the house and are too small to stop. It's like when you drop a bunch of BBs on the floor. You'll never find em all and years later you still spot em here and there. It's the same way with those little spawning satanic spiders.
.
I'm sure when they erupt from the sac is fun to watch if you are a spider. I'll bet the spider parents proudly watch and name each one as it oozes out. POP! "Look honey, let's name that one Dakota." POP! "Let's name that one Apple." But any other creature that actually posseses a soul is screaming in terror! It looks like spider lava pouring out of that fuzzy ball!
.
Sometimes spiders grab a wasp, bite and paralyze it, then lay their egg sac on top of it, so the kids can have a meal when they wake up. This has gotta suck for the wasp. Can you imagine a bunch of hungry toddler spiders crawling all over your numb body? I can't think of a worse way to die. Except to listen to Fiona Apple's "music." LOL!
.
This aversion to spiders babies was with me when I watched Charlottes' Web. Was anyone else severely creeped out at the end when her egg sac opened and her kids came out? Spiders with toddler voices, singing and cooing? If I were that pig, I'd start stomping! Geez! I was still sobbing from Wilbur's wig scene over Charlotte dying in the first place! Now there's 50 more Charlotte clones to go around- that's not a happy ending- THAT'S AN INFESTATION.
.
Hmm, let's see- what other species does the whole "egg sac" thing? NONE! OK, maybe mud dabbers and wasps- but they are evil too. My point is- why do these creatures feel the need to carry around their entire next generation in a self made hand bag? It's almost as creepy as Dads with those sad designer baby bags. It'd be creepier if they kept the kids in the bag too. Oh yeah they do that already- those kid slings.
.
Possums with babies on their backs are cute. Kangaroos with a joey sticking his head out of Mom's pouch sounds crazy, but it's cute. A spider dragging a pulsating, breathing bundle of spider chitlins all rolled up in an arachnid meatball is NASTY.
.
Bon Apetit!

parachute spiders

This is sick. Spiders figured out how to throw their silvery light web thread into the air, making parachutes to dispurse their progeny across the land. That's great. Like walking into a web isn't bad enough, now you can walk face first into a web-chute of an industrious super genius spider bent on world domination. I've just played into his hands! Or feet, or whatever those spindles are called.
.
I've been in the ocean when a babble of jellfish float by- that's nerve wracking, I could leap out of the water and run across it like a cartoon character. Maybe that's how Jesus did it- "Holy Cow! There's a ton of jellyfish floating by!" Peter was cracking up- "Lord! You were totally walking on water!"
.
But spiders parachuting down like invading troopers in the longest day?
.
A professor in Texas says: "Spiders use their silk as a simple parachute to carry them from one place to another. Light winds and rising thermals favor spider dispersal in this manner. The spider stands facing the air current from the top of a grass blade or other platform. (Spider platform?) Then, standing on tip-toe (spider tippy toe?) and with its abdomen pointed toward the sky it releases a stream of silk from its spinnerettes. When the wind currents catch the threads the spiders release their lauching pad and off they go."
.

"That's great professor"- (I feel like Raymond Burr in Godzilla) "Can we find a scientic way to stop em?" Maybe global warming will put an end to these light winds and thermals. Maybe global warming isn't such a bad thing.
.
And what's with the "pointing the abdomen towards the sky? Who else in nature does that? Oh yeah- hippies. They do that while enjoying their spinnerettes. I think parachute spiders are in league with hippies. Maybe that's why they both want to stop global warming. I'm going outside with an aerosal can right now- to do my part. Bring mother nature to her senses. We need to stop these hippie spiders by creating gale force winds and alternating temperatures between 20 below and 125 degrees. Make it look like Mercury out there.
.
Though with my luck spiders could find a way to parachute in a hurricane. Then you'd get a spider in your nose at a velocity of 200 miles per hour. That's just the boon they would want!
.
Is there any way to stop them! This is the end, THE END!!!!!

weapons of mass crunchin'

Usually you grab whatever is handy. A book, a shoe, a shotgun. There are so many weapons we can use to smoosh the spiders as they rebel against our presence on their planet. I have used a lot of various objects to kill spiders- a pan, a can of soup, a sledgehammer, a plush talking Barney.
.
Books work very nicely, they are everywhere. They can be thrown across the room, or dropped from atop a table. They can be brought down with sudden violence, or softly leaned onto a victim. They can be opened and shut on a spider, making an interesting book mark- or exciting page turner. It is usually easy to clean the book off and if not- well you can drop it off at the Friends of the Library sale.
.
I am not opposed to using a shoe to murder a bug- but honestly- who wants a smashed spider stuck in the treads of a shoe? It's hard to walk around knowing you have a spider corpse under your feet. I would rather find something else.
.
The decision has to be made fast! When a spider surfaces you only have seconds to quickly survey the battlefield and choose a weapon. "Hmmmm- what should I use to kill that spindly little abomination? The lamp?- no, my wife will kill me. A pillow? -no, my wife will kill me. I know! I'll use my wife!"
.
Yes, wives are the best when it comes to killing spiders. They will go get a small wad of toilet paper and release him outside where he can meet up with the rest of his battalion and regroup. Sometimes wives will grab a broom and sweep the spider out. I wonder what the spider thinks when that is happening. Wives are great. So if you are strong enough, you can smash a spider with your wife.
.
When you see a spider, you have to call dibs on who is going to kill it. If you want to defer, it helps to add drama to the event by jumping up suddenly and run outside screaming. That will leave your spouse the responsibility of dealing with the problem. When she comes outside to give you the all clear, you have had a refreshing beer break.
.
Unless she is bringing it out by it's leg to show you that there is nothing to fear. Oh there is plenty to fear. It means your wife is onto your little scheme.
.
Radiation kills spiders too- if you have enough. The microwave on it's defrost setting prolongs the death sentence and is a fun way to spend an evening. (Spider torture has not yet been banned.) But if you catch em and torture them- be prepared for the eventuality that it may escape and seek revenge. A little arachnid Rambo.

stung as a child

A lot of folk ask me why I hate spiders. They ask me if I was stung as a child. Nope, I wasn't bitten, stung or beaten by spiders. It was worse than that.
.
It was psychological trauma. See, I wasn't even scared of bugs till I was around 9 years old. I was in my Florida-home backyard, helping my Dad move some planks of wood off a huge junk pile. The pile had been there forever. I don't know why my parental guardians didn't think that a kid moving old wood was dangerous. It's not like there are any bugs in Florida.
.
Jumpin' Gee-Hoe-See-Fat! The sunshine state is a breeding ground of pestilence. Palm fronds, moisture, heat, shrubberies, trailer parks. Bugs are everywhere! Roaches. Big psychotic roaches. That's a whole nuther blog subject right there. Mosquitoes. Palmettos bugs. Wasps. Yellow jackets. Every evil creature that is looking for blood to suck comes to Florida. Just ask Jeb Bush.
.
So I lifted up one particularly large sheet of panelling and as we threw it over, a swarm of wood spiders erupted from underneath. It looked like a helicopter view of a riot in progress. Those wood spiders were nasty- they could jump really far and were extremely hyper. If you came near em, they'd jump at you. I still don't know how a spider could contemplate attacking a giant human. I'd be scared to attack a Brontosaurus, even tho they don't bite.
.
These wood spiders don't bite either, they aren't poisonous, but they are CREEPY. I remember studying them when I was little, and I thought they couldn't see me observing them- cause I was so big. But as I leaned in to look at em, they'd move to one side- anticipate my movement and turn around to face me. Like they are yelling: "Comon, COMON! Bring it, meatsack!" Maybe they were just bluffing, but that is also creepy that they would know to do that. Just downright all around creepy.
.
I was already skittish at the moment the hoard of barbarian spiders ran up into my bell bottoms. (Bell bottoms- what a dream for creatures trying to climb up your pant leg) My nervous system was more than nervous- it told my brain that thousands of little hairy tentacles were working their way North in my pants. My brain passed out.
.
I had no commander in chief now- so my nervous system took the wheel. I somersaulted up and over my Dad's head and sprinted across the yard while speaking, no- yelling in tongues. I vaulted my neighbors fence, startling her as she read by her pool, and dove in. I remember her face as she saw mine. Shock. Sheer shock.
.
You must understand that as I came over the fence, (Western style) I had already ripped my pants down. But I couldn't get em over my shoes. Honestly, I don't know how I was able to move. My expression was that of someone who was having an alien chew out of their stomach- plus I was sobbing and screaming.
.
Have you ever heard anyone sob and scream at the same time? (It's entertaining- as long as it's not you) I hit the water of the pool and thrashed wildly about, trying to get out of my skin. I don't really know if any spiders got into my clothes, but little bits of bark and possible spider refuse were floating nearby. That made me really crazy.
.
You know how when you're in a pool, and something unsavory is floating towards you, like a wrapper or a waterbug or a baby in a diaper on a floaty, and the more you move back, the more the current pulls the object closer to you? Yeah, well, I had a vortex going in the pool that day.
.
The authorities came and netted me out of the pool with that long blue flyswatter thing. I was wet and stressed out, I looked like a mangy dog pulled up from the Katrina carnage. My pants were off and I was standing there dripping in my spider man underoos. I don't remember my neighbor saying anything to me- she looked as scared of me as I now was of the spiders. I kept glancing toward the ground, kept looking for them....
.
Now whenever I see black lint or a wad of black thread on the floor, I stop and give it my full attention. I am still looking for them.......
.
And yes, Spider Man creeps me out too.

screamin spider

It was a dark and stormy night. The raindrops tapped on the window like spiders at a dance recital. My wife and I watched the weather channel, hanging on every word Jim Cantore had to say.
.
Just kidding, actually the weather channel helps us sleep. It's like a warm glass of milk at bedtime. In fact, that should be their tag line: "THE WEATHER CHANNEL... KINDA LIKE A SEDATIVE."
.
We had been doing some steam cleaning too, that little hand held steamer is great at cleaning out the birds cages. (Oh, by the way, we have a pterodactyl and a red footed booby.) Well, we were up late and Jim was standing in a zephyr pretending it was a "cat 5" as tourists walked behind him laughing.
.
In the corner of my eye I saw something skirt across the floor underneath the TV stand. It was... a spider. Quick one too. We went to yellow alert and I phoned in an air strike. Then I remembered, we can't use bug spray in the house.. the birds are too sensitive!
.
I turned on all the lights as my wife clung to the ceiling beams. I got down on my fingers and toes and my joints creaked like a wooden ship. I peered under the TV stand. Yep, there it was, by the vent, looking for a place to spawn. It was a Hobo allright- a buck, about 2 years old. "Underhouse Dweller" by the shade of brown, and part of it's leg was missing indicating a previous battle. It was experienced. It was a survivor. It was a warrior.
.
At that exact moment lightning struck. As my screams died down, the lights blinked and went out. It was like a horror movie. The emergency lights came on, but they emit a pale red light giving an erie effect to the living room. The spider hadn't even moved. It was there, smirking at our emotional reaction to a mere bolt of electricity.
.
I was waaaaaay outta my league, but there was nothing to do except proceed with the confrontation. I barked out commands to my wife. "Bring me a boot, a broom, a sturdy chair and a bottle of Jack Daniels." I had to stay in place and not take my eye off the creature. For if you turn your back for an instant, that gives them the window of opportunity. When you look back, the spider will be gone. And as you back away, wondering where it is, the camera pans to the spider dangling above your head- fangs dripping with venom-soaked saliva.
.
My wife was back with the weapons. I jammed the broom under the stand hoping it would crush the spider. It grabbed the broom and almost got it away from me. I cursed loudly and long, like a trucker falling off a cliff. When I looked back under the TV stand.... it was gone. The dark, blood-red shadows were empty.
.
My nightmare was real now. I slowly backed away. "I lost him- he's on the move." My wife began burrowing and chewing through the ceiling. Suddenly the lights came back on. We wailed like air raid sirens and clung to each other on top of the chair. There was no sign of it.
.
"It... must've gone down the vent." I stammered. We climbed down slowly and began chanting the 23rd psalm. Then came a noise, we both stopped and strained to listen. It was soft and slow at first, then it grew louder. IT WAS A HISS.
THE SPIDER WAS HISSING LIKE A DEMON.
.
Just as I began to lose consciousness, Melody laughed- "It's the steamer! It's back on!" We both started to laugh. "Were we really that scared? It's only a little sp-AAAAAH there it is again!"
.
It came from under the TV stand like it was fired from a cannon. It wanted me. It sensed my fear. From 6 feet away it leapt straight up towards my neck. I pulled my wife in front of me, but it wasn't fooled. In a frenzy of web-slinging it swung around her and towards me. I fell backwards and knocked over the table. The steamer landed by my head.
.
As I lay on the carpet, eye to eye with the approaching spider, I grabbed the steamer, and in one swift movement, brought it around and fired.
.
The spider was a shell now, it's legs still trembling, flexing... groping for my flesh. But it was dead, and soon it's body was swirling down, counter-clockwise in the toilet. I flushed repeatedly after that- just to be sure.
.
I had hit the spider dead on. It had immediately shriveled up from the steam blast. BUT... was it the escaping pressure that screeched in a hideous howling whistle? Or was it the spider? Screeeeaaaaaaaacch!!! I'll never know, and I know I'll never forget that horrible sound that night....
.
Lookout Lookout Lookout Lookout! I'm so glad I killed you, the leader of the pack.

bitter gutter battle

I was up on the roof, cleaning off the vines that try to take over the house, and decided it was a good day to blow out the gutters. I got my gas-powered blower and very carefully worked my way around the perimeter getting all the leaves and dirt out of the gutter and into my hair.
.
Well, this is Seattle, it started misting but I was almost done so I didn't wanna stop. THAT WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE. An accident is usually a ladder of events. (I learned that in driver's safety class!)
.
So now the roof was a mite slippery. I was also working on the shaded side of the house, above the driveway. The gutters there are perpetually damp, it never dries up. There was mud and small plants growing- and an unusual concentration of spider activity. BUT I had a gas powered tool that gave me strength. A blower could create a hurricane for an itsy bitsy spider in the waterspout. I didn't need to call for backup. THAT WAS MY SECOND MISTAKE UP THE LADDER.
.
Now this next scene happened in a matter of seconds, but it's one of those events where time slows down and you have lots of opportunity to review your thoughts. I got to the end of the gutter where all the buildup gunk just shoots straight in the air from the blower. I hit it and leaves and spiders went everywhere. It looked like a movie.
.
I stepped back thinking I'd better sky down- when I noticed I had disturbed the spider queen. She was the size of a softball- she flew up and landed above me on the roof, about 2 feet away, and started SCURRYING towards me. At that exact moment, I lost my footing and began to slide off the roof. I remember thinking this would make a great newspaper obit.
.
Well as I slid, I fell back on my butt (rather than headfirst into the ground), but I was still sliding. The queen was coming at me quick and angry. I could see her facial features. Those eyes, those little squiggly things on their jawlines. I began to experience the early stages of panic.
.
She was still far enough away to turn the blower on her, but I couldn't rev the engine to get a good blast, I was too busy struggling not to slide any further. The wind did nothing, she now came directly at me. In my head I heard Bob Seger sing "Still Runnin' Against the Wind."
.
Now I had slid down the edge of the roof and my foot came in contact with the flimsy gutter. It stopped me momentarily- and in that instant I noticed my 13 year old son was watching me from the driveway below. How is it there is always a witness when something life-threateningly-goofy is happening? I can still picture his expression of wonder- wondering what I was doing on the roof, struggling, trying to rev the blower and sobbing like a Tammy Faye.
.
The spider queen was so close I couldn't bring the blower around, so now I was trying to smoosh the resident evil with the blower. With every bang on the roof, I slipped a little bit more. I figured I would vault off the house and maybe break a leg or an arm landing on my car- but it was better than letting that spider TOUCH me.
.
The spider was now inches from my rear, I had to contort around to even face her, and I could feel the gutter giving way. I suddenly had an out-of-body-experience- I was miles away on a sunny, white shore, calm and serene. I think Gandalf was there in a swimsuit. I took a breath and came back to the battle.
.
I calmly looked at the spider- still racing towards me in slow motion. I felt nothing but love for one of God's creatures. Then I calmly brought down the blunt end of the blower on the 8 legged freak. I heard that distinctive crunchy squish that told me I had won. I rolled away, and swung the blower up and over the bathroom vent, where now I had purchase to climb.
.
It was over- OVER. the day seemed brighter, I looked around with a new sense of life. I would live to fight another day. And I saw how easy it was for something to come down the bathroom ventilation. (There's screen over it now.)
.
Worthy adversary, Alien Spider Queen, I salute you. You climbed up the water spout and I crushed you with an oily blower. It was a good death.
.
LEGENDS OF THE FALL
The end.

spiders in your ears at night

Terrifying- I heard that you swallow 4 spiders a year- at night while you are SLEEPING. They crawl across your bed, and see your mouth and go "Hey- this looks like a good cave to explore!" and down they go, spelunking like spider-man in Mountain Dew commercial. You swallow them! I'm glad I don't live in Texas. I'd hate to wake up with a tarantula half sticking out of my mouth, trying to wriggle into my sinus.

But what's worse than that? Your ears. (I won't go with any orifices, suffice to say) They crawl in your ears too. They finished exploring your esophagus and are like "what now, kids?" And the little spider babies go: "The ears Dad! Let's go to the ears next!" "Ha-ha, Ok, ok."

So now they go in your ears and lay eggs in there. They decide to settle down, build a web. Have a few generations of spiders.

Have you ever been Q-tipping your ears and pull out a spider web? That's creepy.

I saw a commercial that said Excessive ear wax build up can cause hearing loss. I know we live in a paranoid consumer society, sure- but hearing loss from ear wax? I've seen some guys on airplanes, who have enough earwax to buff a surfboard. If ear wax causes deafness- then these guys make Helen Keller look like the Bionic Woman. (on a side note: isn't it funny the bionic chick can HEAR faraway, but the bionic dude can SEE faraway?)

Anyway, so back to the point. Earwax. Spiders in ears. Another reason to keep your ears clean- spiders crawling in there and getting stuck like it's one of those Roach Motel-esque Spider Traps. CLEAN YOUR EARS or you'll have a nest!

I wonder if those bumpy noises in the night are nothing more than a spider banging up against my eardrum! EEEEEeeeeeeewwwwwwww!

Spider Venom!

What the heck is wrong with Mother Nature? Why do some of these spiders have enough venom to drop an elephant! Isn't that overkill? Like hunting squirrel with a nuclear bomb? These spiders supposedly only hunt other bugs. They don't need that much poison, they aren't going to kill a human and feed off him for 80 years. (unless it's like that movie KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS with William Shatner- the greatest B-movie ever made... (about spiders))

These spiders and their Venom! In Florida it was the Black Widow. And I don't mean that chick that was marrying old guys and killing em. I mean the spider chick. They bite you and they have that necrophiliac poison that causes your flesh to melt. YUM!

And Brown Recluses. They like to hide in... stuff. Stuff that hasn't been moved in a while. As a kid, I wanted to clean my room- just to keep the spiders out. I wonder if that's a myth my Mom made up to make me work?

BUT when we moved to the Pacific Northwest, I discovered a new threat that brought my household terminix alert to amber. The Hobo Spider. !!!

Note that the above is a new site, the old one had some info from a doctor who disappeared after talking about Hobo Spiders. I almost went into shock on that one. Hobo Spiders are BIG, FAST, AGGRESSIVE and their bites are NASTY!

I was sooooo pleased to find that they are everywhere and it is a constant battle to keep them outta the house. They are active mostly in Summer and early Autumn- when they come inside to find a human to feed off of for the Winter.

I have seen them run across the floor going after the dog or one of the kids.

SO I DECLARED WAR on these spiders. Just like the classic line in KOTS: "NO DAMM SPIDERS ARE GONNA RUN ME OFFA MY LAND!"

SO just like those blogs of the soldiers in Iraq, I'm going to keep a blog of my fight against the arachnid insurgence. Yes, spelling errors included and I don't care. The English language is downright goofy in it's rules and usage of letters.

I will not bow down to Spider demands and threats. I will find their bases and eliminate them with extreme prejudice. DIE SPIDERS DIE!, I HATE THEM!! ARRRRRGH!

PS the movie arachnophobia didn't help.