weapons of mass crunchin'

Usually you grab whatever is handy. A book, a shoe, a shotgun. There are so many weapons we can use to smoosh the spiders as they rebel against our presence on their planet. I have used a lot of various objects to kill spiders- a pan, a can of soup, a sledgehammer, a plush talking Barney.
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Books work very nicely, they are everywhere. They can be thrown across the room, or dropped from atop a table. They can be brought down with sudden violence, or softly leaned onto a victim. They can be opened and shut on a spider, making an interesting book mark- or exciting page turner. It is usually easy to clean the book off and if not- well you can drop it off at the Friends of the Library sale.
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I am not opposed to using a shoe to murder a bug- but honestly- who wants a smashed spider stuck in the treads of a shoe? It's hard to walk around knowing you have a spider corpse under your feet. I would rather find something else.
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The decision has to be made fast! When a spider surfaces you only have seconds to quickly survey the battlefield and choose a weapon. "Hmmmm- what should I use to kill that spindly little abomination? The lamp?- no, my wife will kill me. A pillow? -no, my wife will kill me. I know! I'll use my wife!"
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Yes, wives are the best when it comes to killing spiders. They will go get a small wad of toilet paper and release him outside where he can meet up with the rest of his battalion and regroup. Sometimes wives will grab a broom and sweep the spider out. I wonder what the spider thinks when that is happening. Wives are great. So if you are strong enough, you can smash a spider with your wife.
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When you see a spider, you have to call dibs on who is going to kill it. If you want to defer, it helps to add drama to the event by jumping up suddenly and run outside screaming. That will leave your spouse the responsibility of dealing with the problem. When she comes outside to give you the all clear, you have had a refreshing beer break.
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Unless she is bringing it out by it's leg to show you that there is nothing to fear. Oh there is plenty to fear. It means your wife is onto your little scheme.
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Radiation kills spiders too- if you have enough. The microwave on it's defrost setting prolongs the death sentence and is a fun way to spend an evening. (Spider torture has not yet been banned.) But if you catch em and torture them- be prepared for the eventuality that it may escape and seek revenge. A little arachnid Rambo.

stung as a child

A lot of folk ask me why I hate spiders. They ask me if I was stung as a child. Nope, I wasn't bitten, stung or beaten by spiders. It was worse than that.
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It was psychological trauma. See, I wasn't even scared of bugs till I was around 9 years old. I was in my Florida-home backyard, helping my Dad move some planks of wood off a huge junk pile. The pile had been there forever. I don't know why my parental guardians didn't think that a kid moving old wood was dangerous. It's not like there are any bugs in Florida.
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Jumpin' Gee-Hoe-See-Fat! The sunshine state is a breeding ground of pestilence. Palm fronds, moisture, heat, shrubberies, trailer parks. Bugs are everywhere! Roaches. Big psychotic roaches. That's a whole nuther blog subject right there. Mosquitoes. Palmettos bugs. Wasps. Yellow jackets. Every evil creature that is looking for blood to suck comes to Florida. Just ask Jeb Bush.
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So I lifted up one particularly large sheet of panelling and as we threw it over, a swarm of wood spiders erupted from underneath. It looked like a helicopter view of a riot in progress. Those wood spiders were nasty- they could jump really far and were extremely hyper. If you came near em, they'd jump at you. I still don't know how a spider could contemplate attacking a giant human. I'd be scared to attack a Brontosaurus, even tho they don't bite.
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These wood spiders don't bite either, they aren't poisonous, but they are CREEPY. I remember studying them when I was little, and I thought they couldn't see me observing them- cause I was so big. But as I leaned in to look at em, they'd move to one side- anticipate my movement and turn around to face me. Like they are yelling: "Comon, COMON! Bring it, meatsack!" Maybe they were just bluffing, but that is also creepy that they would know to do that. Just downright all around creepy.
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I was already skittish at the moment the hoard of barbarian spiders ran up into my bell bottoms. (Bell bottoms- what a dream for creatures trying to climb up your pant leg) My nervous system was more than nervous- it told my brain that thousands of little hairy tentacles were working their way North in my pants. My brain passed out.
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I had no commander in chief now- so my nervous system took the wheel. I somersaulted up and over my Dad's head and sprinted across the yard while speaking, no- yelling in tongues. I vaulted my neighbors fence, startling her as she read by her pool, and dove in. I remember her face as she saw mine. Shock. Sheer shock.
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You must understand that as I came over the fence, (Western style) I had already ripped my pants down. But I couldn't get em over my shoes. Honestly, I don't know how I was able to move. My expression was that of someone who was having an alien chew out of their stomach- plus I was sobbing and screaming.
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Have you ever heard anyone sob and scream at the same time? (It's entertaining- as long as it's not you) I hit the water of the pool and thrashed wildly about, trying to get out of my skin. I don't really know if any spiders got into my clothes, but little bits of bark and possible spider refuse were floating nearby. That made me really crazy.
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You know how when you're in a pool, and something unsavory is floating towards you, like a wrapper or a waterbug or a baby in a diaper on a floaty, and the more you move back, the more the current pulls the object closer to you? Yeah, well, I had a vortex going in the pool that day.
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The authorities came and netted me out of the pool with that long blue flyswatter thing. I was wet and stressed out, I looked like a mangy dog pulled up from the Katrina carnage. My pants were off and I was standing there dripping in my spider man underoos. I don't remember my neighbor saying anything to me- she looked as scared of me as I now was of the spiders. I kept glancing toward the ground, kept looking for them....
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Now whenever I see black lint or a wad of black thread on the floor, I stop and give it my full attention. I am still looking for them.......
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And yes, Spider Man creeps me out too.