weapons of mass crunchin'

Usually you grab whatever is handy. A book, a shoe, a shotgun. There are so many weapons we can use to smoosh the spiders as they rebel against our presence on their planet. I have used a lot of various objects to kill spiders- a pan, a can of soup, a sledgehammer, a plush talking Barney.
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Books work very nicely, they are everywhere. They can be thrown across the room, or dropped from atop a table. They can be brought down with sudden violence, or softly leaned onto a victim. They can be opened and shut on a spider, making an interesting book mark- or exciting page turner. It is usually easy to clean the book off and if not- well you can drop it off at the Friends of the Library sale.
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I am not opposed to using a shoe to murder a bug- but honestly- who wants a smashed spider stuck in the treads of a shoe? It's hard to walk around knowing you have a spider corpse under your feet. I would rather find something else.
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The decision has to be made fast! When a spider surfaces you only have seconds to quickly survey the battlefield and choose a weapon. "Hmmmm- what should I use to kill that spindly little abomination? The lamp?- no, my wife will kill me. A pillow? -no, my wife will kill me. I know! I'll use my wife!"
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Yes, wives are the best when it comes to killing spiders. They will go get a small wad of toilet paper and release him outside where he can meet up with the rest of his battalion and regroup. Sometimes wives will grab a broom and sweep the spider out. I wonder what the spider thinks when that is happening. Wives are great. So if you are strong enough, you can smash a spider with your wife.
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When you see a spider, you have to call dibs on who is going to kill it. If you want to defer, it helps to add drama to the event by jumping up suddenly and run outside screaming. That will leave your spouse the responsibility of dealing with the problem. When she comes outside to give you the all clear, you have had a refreshing beer break.
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Unless she is bringing it out by it's leg to show you that there is nothing to fear. Oh there is plenty to fear. It means your wife is onto your little scheme.
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Radiation kills spiders too- if you have enough. The microwave on it's defrost setting prolongs the death sentence and is a fun way to spend an evening. (Spider torture has not yet been banned.) But if you catch em and torture them- be prepared for the eventuality that it may escape and seek revenge. A little arachnid Rambo.