screamin spider

It was a dark and stormy night. The raindrops tapped on the window like spiders at a dance recital. My wife and I watched the weather channel, hanging on every word Jim Cantore had to say.
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Just kidding, actually the weather channel helps us sleep. It's like a warm glass of milk at bedtime. In fact, that should be their tag line: "THE WEATHER CHANNEL... KINDA LIKE A SEDATIVE."
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We had been doing some steam cleaning too, that little hand held steamer is great at cleaning out the birds cages. (Oh, by the way, we have a pterodactyl and a red footed booby.) Well, we were up late and Jim was standing in a zephyr pretending it was a "cat 5" as tourists walked behind him laughing.
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In the corner of my eye I saw something skirt across the floor underneath the TV stand. It was... a spider. Quick one too. We went to yellow alert and I phoned in an air strike. Then I remembered, we can't use bug spray in the house.. the birds are too sensitive!
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I turned on all the lights as my wife clung to the ceiling beams. I got down on my fingers and toes and my joints creaked like a wooden ship. I peered under the TV stand. Yep, there it was, by the vent, looking for a place to spawn. It was a Hobo allright- a buck, about 2 years old. "Underhouse Dweller" by the shade of brown, and part of it's leg was missing indicating a previous battle. It was experienced. It was a survivor. It was a warrior.
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At that exact moment lightning struck. As my screams died down, the lights blinked and went out. It was like a horror movie. The emergency lights came on, but they emit a pale red light giving an erie effect to the living room. The spider hadn't even moved. It was there, smirking at our emotional reaction to a mere bolt of electricity.
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I was waaaaaay outta my league, but there was nothing to do except proceed with the confrontation. I barked out commands to my wife. "Bring me a boot, a broom, a sturdy chair and a bottle of Jack Daniels." I had to stay in place and not take my eye off the creature. For if you turn your back for an instant, that gives them the window of opportunity. When you look back, the spider will be gone. And as you back away, wondering where it is, the camera pans to the spider dangling above your head- fangs dripping with venom-soaked saliva.
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My wife was back with the weapons. I jammed the broom under the stand hoping it would crush the spider. It grabbed the broom and almost got it away from me. I cursed loudly and long, like a trucker falling off a cliff. When I looked back under the TV stand.... it was gone. The dark, blood-red shadows were empty.
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My nightmare was real now. I slowly backed away. "I lost him- he's on the move." My wife began burrowing and chewing through the ceiling. Suddenly the lights came back on. We wailed like air raid sirens and clung to each other on top of the chair. There was no sign of it.
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"It... must've gone down the vent." I stammered. We climbed down slowly and began chanting the 23rd psalm. Then came a noise, we both stopped and strained to listen. It was soft and slow at first, then it grew louder. IT WAS A HISS.
THE SPIDER WAS HISSING LIKE A DEMON.
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Just as I began to lose consciousness, Melody laughed- "It's the steamer! It's back on!" We both started to laugh. "Were we really that scared? It's only a little sp-AAAAAH there it is again!"
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It came from under the TV stand like it was fired from a cannon. It wanted me. It sensed my fear. From 6 feet away it leapt straight up towards my neck. I pulled my wife in front of me, but it wasn't fooled. In a frenzy of web-slinging it swung around her and towards me. I fell backwards and knocked over the table. The steamer landed by my head.
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As I lay on the carpet, eye to eye with the approaching spider, I grabbed the steamer, and in one swift movement, brought it around and fired.
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The spider was a shell now, it's legs still trembling, flexing... groping for my flesh. But it was dead, and soon it's body was swirling down, counter-clockwise in the toilet. I flushed repeatedly after that- just to be sure.
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I had hit the spider dead on. It had immediately shriveled up from the steam blast. BUT... was it the escaping pressure that screeched in a hideous howling whistle? Or was it the spider? Screeeeaaaaaaaacch!!! I'll never know, and I know I'll never forget that horrible sound that night....
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Lookout Lookout Lookout Lookout! I'm so glad I killed you, the leader of the pack.

bitter gutter battle

I was up on the roof, cleaning off the vines that try to take over the house, and decided it was a good day to blow out the gutters. I got my gas-powered blower and very carefully worked my way around the perimeter getting all the leaves and dirt out of the gutter and into my hair.
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Well, this is Seattle, it started misting but I was almost done so I didn't wanna stop. THAT WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE. An accident is usually a ladder of events. (I learned that in driver's safety class!)
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So now the roof was a mite slippery. I was also working on the shaded side of the house, above the driveway. The gutters there are perpetually damp, it never dries up. There was mud and small plants growing- and an unusual concentration of spider activity. BUT I had a gas powered tool that gave me strength. A blower could create a hurricane for an itsy bitsy spider in the waterspout. I didn't need to call for backup. THAT WAS MY SECOND MISTAKE UP THE LADDER.
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Now this next scene happened in a matter of seconds, but it's one of those events where time slows down and you have lots of opportunity to review your thoughts. I got to the end of the gutter where all the buildup gunk just shoots straight in the air from the blower. I hit it and leaves and spiders went everywhere. It looked like a movie.
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I stepped back thinking I'd better sky down- when I noticed I had disturbed the spider queen. She was the size of a softball- she flew up and landed above me on the roof, about 2 feet away, and started SCURRYING towards me. At that exact moment, I lost my footing and began to slide off the roof. I remember thinking this would make a great newspaper obit.
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Well as I slid, I fell back on my butt (rather than headfirst into the ground), but I was still sliding. The queen was coming at me quick and angry. I could see her facial features. Those eyes, those little squiggly things on their jawlines. I began to experience the early stages of panic.
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She was still far enough away to turn the blower on her, but I couldn't rev the engine to get a good blast, I was too busy struggling not to slide any further. The wind did nothing, she now came directly at me. In my head I heard Bob Seger sing "Still Runnin' Against the Wind."
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Now I had slid down the edge of the roof and my foot came in contact with the flimsy gutter. It stopped me momentarily- and in that instant I noticed my 13 year old son was watching me from the driveway below. How is it there is always a witness when something life-threateningly-goofy is happening? I can still picture his expression of wonder- wondering what I was doing on the roof, struggling, trying to rev the blower and sobbing like a Tammy Faye.
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The spider queen was so close I couldn't bring the blower around, so now I was trying to smoosh the resident evil with the blower. With every bang on the roof, I slipped a little bit more. I figured I would vault off the house and maybe break a leg or an arm landing on my car- but it was better than letting that spider TOUCH me.
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The spider was now inches from my rear, I had to contort around to even face her, and I could feel the gutter giving way. I suddenly had an out-of-body-experience- I was miles away on a sunny, white shore, calm and serene. I think Gandalf was there in a swimsuit. I took a breath and came back to the battle.
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I calmly looked at the spider- still racing towards me in slow motion. I felt nothing but love for one of God's creatures. Then I calmly brought down the blunt end of the blower on the 8 legged freak. I heard that distinctive crunchy squish that told me I had won. I rolled away, and swung the blower up and over the bathroom vent, where now I had purchase to climb.
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It was over- OVER. the day seemed brighter, I looked around with a new sense of life. I would live to fight another day. And I saw how easy it was for something to come down the bathroom ventilation. (There's screen over it now.)
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Worthy adversary, Alien Spider Queen, I salute you. You climbed up the water spout and I crushed you with an oily blower. It was a good death.
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LEGENDS OF THE FALL
The end.

spiders in your ears at night

Terrifying- I heard that you swallow 4 spiders a year- at night while you are SLEEPING. They crawl across your bed, and see your mouth and go "Hey- this looks like a good cave to explore!" and down they go, spelunking like spider-man in Mountain Dew commercial. You swallow them! I'm glad I don't live in Texas. I'd hate to wake up with a tarantula half sticking out of my mouth, trying to wriggle into my sinus.

But what's worse than that? Your ears. (I won't go with any orifices, suffice to say) They crawl in your ears too. They finished exploring your esophagus and are like "what now, kids?" And the little spider babies go: "The ears Dad! Let's go to the ears next!" "Ha-ha, Ok, ok."

So now they go in your ears and lay eggs in there. They decide to settle down, build a web. Have a few generations of spiders.

Have you ever been Q-tipping your ears and pull out a spider web? That's creepy.

I saw a commercial that said Excessive ear wax build up can cause hearing loss. I know we live in a paranoid consumer society, sure- but hearing loss from ear wax? I've seen some guys on airplanes, who have enough earwax to buff a surfboard. If ear wax causes deafness- then these guys make Helen Keller look like the Bionic Woman. (on a side note: isn't it funny the bionic chick can HEAR faraway, but the bionic dude can SEE faraway?)

Anyway, so back to the point. Earwax. Spiders in ears. Another reason to keep your ears clean- spiders crawling in there and getting stuck like it's one of those Roach Motel-esque Spider Traps. CLEAN YOUR EARS or you'll have a nest!

I wonder if those bumpy noises in the night are nothing more than a spider banging up against my eardrum! EEEEEeeeeeeewwwwwwww!

Spider Venom!

What the heck is wrong with Mother Nature? Why do some of these spiders have enough venom to drop an elephant! Isn't that overkill? Like hunting squirrel with a nuclear bomb? These spiders supposedly only hunt other bugs. They don't need that much poison, they aren't going to kill a human and feed off him for 80 years. (unless it's like that movie KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS with William Shatner- the greatest B-movie ever made... (about spiders))

These spiders and their Venom! In Florida it was the Black Widow. And I don't mean that chick that was marrying old guys and killing em. I mean the spider chick. They bite you and they have that necrophiliac poison that causes your flesh to melt. YUM!

And Brown Recluses. They like to hide in... stuff. Stuff that hasn't been moved in a while. As a kid, I wanted to clean my room- just to keep the spiders out. I wonder if that's a myth my Mom made up to make me work?

BUT when we moved to the Pacific Northwest, I discovered a new threat that brought my household terminix alert to amber. The Hobo Spider. !!!

Note that the above is a new site, the old one had some info from a doctor who disappeared after talking about Hobo Spiders. I almost went into shock on that one. Hobo Spiders are BIG, FAST, AGGRESSIVE and their bites are NASTY!

I was sooooo pleased to find that they are everywhere and it is a constant battle to keep them outta the house. They are active mostly in Summer and early Autumn- when they come inside to find a human to feed off of for the Winter.

I have seen them run across the floor going after the dog or one of the kids.

SO I DECLARED WAR on these spiders. Just like the classic line in KOTS: "NO DAMM SPIDERS ARE GONNA RUN ME OFFA MY LAND!"

SO just like those blogs of the soldiers in Iraq, I'm going to keep a blog of my fight against the arachnid insurgence. Yes, spelling errors included and I don't care. The English language is downright goofy in it's rules and usage of letters.

I will not bow down to Spider demands and threats. I will find their bases and eliminate them with extreme prejudice. DIE SPIDERS DIE!, I HATE THEM!! ARRRRRGH!

PS the movie arachnophobia didn't help.