bitter gutter battle

I was up on the roof, cleaning off the vines that try to take over the house, and decided it was a good day to blow out the gutters. I got my gas-powered blower and very carefully worked my way around the perimeter getting all the leaves and dirt out of the gutter and into my hair.
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Well, this is Seattle, it started misting but I was almost done so I didn't wanna stop. THAT WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE. An accident is usually a ladder of events. (I learned that in driver's safety class!)
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So now the roof was a mite slippery. I was also working on the shaded side of the house, above the driveway. The gutters there are perpetually damp, it never dries up. There was mud and small plants growing- and an unusual concentration of spider activity. BUT I had a gas powered tool that gave me strength. A blower could create a hurricane for an itsy bitsy spider in the waterspout. I didn't need to call for backup. THAT WAS MY SECOND MISTAKE UP THE LADDER.
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Now this next scene happened in a matter of seconds, but it's one of those events where time slows down and you have lots of opportunity to review your thoughts. I got to the end of the gutter where all the buildup gunk just shoots straight in the air from the blower. I hit it and leaves and spiders went everywhere. It looked like a movie.
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I stepped back thinking I'd better sky down- when I noticed I had disturbed the spider queen. She was the size of a softball- she flew up and landed above me on the roof, about 2 feet away, and started SCURRYING towards me. At that exact moment, I lost my footing and began to slide off the roof. I remember thinking this would make a great newspaper obit.
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Well as I slid, I fell back on my butt (rather than headfirst into the ground), but I was still sliding. The queen was coming at me quick and angry. I could see her facial features. Those eyes, those little squiggly things on their jawlines. I began to experience the early stages of panic.
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She was still far enough away to turn the blower on her, but I couldn't rev the engine to get a good blast, I was too busy struggling not to slide any further. The wind did nothing, she now came directly at me. In my head I heard Bob Seger sing "Still Runnin' Against the Wind."
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Now I had slid down the edge of the roof and my foot came in contact with the flimsy gutter. It stopped me momentarily- and in that instant I noticed my 13 year old son was watching me from the driveway below. How is it there is always a witness when something life-threateningly-goofy is happening? I can still picture his expression of wonder- wondering what I was doing on the roof, struggling, trying to rev the blower and sobbing like a Tammy Faye.
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The spider queen was so close I couldn't bring the blower around, so now I was trying to smoosh the resident evil with the blower. With every bang on the roof, I slipped a little bit more. I figured I would vault off the house and maybe break a leg or an arm landing on my car- but it was better than letting that spider TOUCH me.
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The spider was now inches from my rear, I had to contort around to even face her, and I could feel the gutter giving way. I suddenly had an out-of-body-experience- I was miles away on a sunny, white shore, calm and serene. I think Gandalf was there in a swimsuit. I took a breath and came back to the battle.
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I calmly looked at the spider- still racing towards me in slow motion. I felt nothing but love for one of God's creatures. Then I calmly brought down the blunt end of the blower on the 8 legged freak. I heard that distinctive crunchy squish that told me I had won. I rolled away, and swung the blower up and over the bathroom vent, where now I had purchase to climb.
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It was over- OVER. the day seemed brighter, I looked around with a new sense of life. I would live to fight another day. And I saw how easy it was for something to come down the bathroom ventilation. (There's screen over it now.)
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Worthy adversary, Alien Spider Queen, I salute you. You climbed up the water spout and I crushed you with an oily blower. It was a good death.
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LEGENDS OF THE FALL
The end.