Spider Traps

Yes, it's October and it's Spider Season in Seattle. This is when the hobo spiders come out of the walls and floor vents and scurry across the floor to find the flesh of a human. This is when I put spider traps in every corner of the house. I use about 75 at any given time.

For those of you that don't know -a spider trap is a gooey triangular box that goes along the wall and catches spiders as they emerge from the writhing nests in the frame of the house. Based on the "roach motel" premise, spiders check in, but they don't check out. Sometimes I decorate the traps to look like a motel 6, so the spiders on a budget can get stuck too.

In a sort of twisted style of origami, you fold the trap together- making sure you don't get any sticky stuff on you. I don't know if it's glue or super poison resin, but I try not to touch it. I wear a suit of rubber when I am putting them out.

I also wear the suit when I patrol the house for captured spiders. I pick them up with 20 foot tongs and peer into the housing to see if I got one.

I am always afraid a spider will fling it's payload of lethal spider babies at me as I look in, so one can't be too careful.

I hate when one is in there and still alive. As I squint to see in, I see a monster in it's trap, squinting back at me. YOW! He's built a whole world in there- biding his time like a prisoner in a cell- waiting for parole. I can barely keep from dropping the box and running outside to burn the house down.

The trouble with spiders is they are very hearty and can survive for days in there. Once I picked up a trap and two were in there, still alive, and they WERE FIGHTING. I believe they were fighting for the right to murder me. The human is mine- no he's mine, no, no, no, he's mine. (Paul McCartney, Micheal Jackson song reference here)

Other times I've picked them up and observed a spider graveyard in here. I wonder how many were able to escape by walking over the dead bodies of their fallen friends. Then I picture them back in the hive, sharpening their fangs- declaring loudly "I will avenge thee, brother!"

Oh, I've seen em escape from a trap too. Once a particularly big spider, the size of a construction workers hand walked into a trap. I stared in awe as it observed it's situation and slowly pulled up one leg, reached over, pulled another leg up, and made it's way out of the trap. As it left the trap, one of it's legs ripped off, leaving it embedded in the glue, but it kept going- like the end of "SAW."

He trickled away- like "thing" from the Addams Family, every so often glancing back at me, searing my face into his memory, for the day will come, when he gets a little spider prosthetic leg and will find me sleeping in my bed, surrounded by a ring of out-facing spider traps, and he will carefully walk past them, like Indiana Jones in that temple from the first movie, then, climbing up my bedpost, hobbling across the sheets, till he stands above me, watching my faint breathing, remembering the past, the "Kill Bill" music playing as the camera focuses in tight on his eyes, then he reaches into his spider back-sac, and slowly pulls out a large bottle of glue...

Oh my imagination got away with me.....

Happy October Spiderphobes!

ode to the Orkin man

Oh, Mr Orkin man, with your uniform and boots.
You spray liquid death onto the spindly evil
that lurks within the house of my roots.

You recognize the telltale signs of bugs in my dwelling.
You kill the roaches on contact
and keep those ticks from swelling.


Your boots walk my floors but never leave residual..

You wear a helmet, but I'm not sure why.
You have a backpack of pesticide.

which you pump
and pump
and pump
and shoot behind the refridge-ual.

(FREE VERSE)

Your job is to eliminate the pests,
with a license to kill
an entomological James Bond,
there's one on the windowsill.

The day that you are scheduled
I rejoice for I surely know
that soon twill be the end of
those spiders that plague me so.

I dance with glee and revel in that chemical smell

that will make the arachnids no longer.

I pray to the creator (who made em in the first place)

That the toxins won't mutate them and make 'em stronger!

(HAIKU)
5- Van with plastic roach
7- tie wearing angel of death
5- this house has been cleansed

Ode to the Orkin man, with a bright gleam in your eye
You unpack your equipment and whisper softly:
"Die! Die! Die!"

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

vacuum battle

When I don't want to actually get NEAR the spider in a battle, I do what the generals do, use hardware. I get a vacuum cleaner and suck the enemy up.
.
EX: I see a spider scurry along the baseboard, I run and grab the VC and plug it in, all the while not taking my eyes off the spider. (gotta keep him on radar.) Then I put on every extension attachment so that I can stand 20 feet away.
.
Then I sloooowly put the nozzle near the spider and in a coordinated strike, turn it on and jab with the tip. I watch him shloop into the nozzle and then I let it run overnight. He may be hanging on inside the hose, like he's in a wind tunnel, so I gotta wear him down.
.
Then in the morning, while the VC is still running, I reach outside the window and vacuum up loose dirt to bury and suffocate him. Satisfied that I have created a spider morgue inside the VC bag, I then stuff paper towels into every opening.
.
Then I drive to the Costco parking lot dumpster, throw the vacuum cleaner away and get a new one that hasn't been defiled. Hey, sometimes -to save the village, you gotta destroy it. It's the American way.

EGG SAC

Two words that should not be allowed to sit together. EGG and SAC. Do you have an acitive imagination? Do you picture 1000 little wet spider babies swarming out of that hideous pod sac? What a disgusting word. Sac. Not even a cute "K" to make it nice. Sack. No, it's like the K said "I'm not being seen with that gross word." That's why sack is called sac.
.
The sac opens up and now they can spread all over the house and are too small to stop. It's like when you drop a bunch of BBs on the floor. You'll never find em all and years later you still spot em here and there. It's the same way with those little spawning satanic spiders.
.
I'm sure when they erupt from the sac is fun to watch if you are a spider. I'll bet the spider parents proudly watch and name each one as it oozes out. POP! "Look honey, let's name that one Dakota." POP! "Let's name that one Apple." But any other creature that actually posseses a soul is screaming in terror! It looks like spider lava pouring out of that fuzzy ball!
.
Sometimes spiders grab a wasp, bite and paralyze it, then lay their egg sac on top of it, so the kids can have a meal when they wake up. This has gotta suck for the wasp. Can you imagine a bunch of hungry toddler spiders crawling all over your numb body? I can't think of a worse way to die. Except to listen to Fiona Apple's "music." LOL!
.
This aversion to spiders babies was with me when I watched Charlottes' Web. Was anyone else severely creeped out at the end when her egg sac opened and her kids came out? Spiders with toddler voices, singing and cooing? If I were that pig, I'd start stomping! Geez! I was still sobbing from Wilbur's wig scene over Charlotte dying in the first place! Now there's 50 more Charlotte clones to go around- that's not a happy ending- THAT'S AN INFESTATION.
.
Hmm, let's see- what other species does the whole "egg sac" thing? NONE! OK, maybe mud dabbers and wasps- but they are evil too. My point is- why do these creatures feel the need to carry around their entire next generation in a self made hand bag? It's almost as creepy as Dads with those sad designer baby bags. It'd be creepier if they kept the kids in the bag too. Oh yeah they do that already- those kid slings.
.
Possums with babies on their backs are cute. Kangaroos with a joey sticking his head out of Mom's pouch sounds crazy, but it's cute. A spider dragging a pulsating, breathing bundle of spider chitlins all rolled up in an arachnid meatball is NASTY.
.
Bon Apetit!

parachute spiders

This is sick. Spiders figured out how to throw their silvery light web thread into the air, making parachutes to dispurse their progeny across the land. That's great. Like walking into a web isn't bad enough, now you can walk face first into a web-chute of an industrious super genius spider bent on world domination. I've just played into his hands! Or feet, or whatever those spindles are called.
.
I've been in the ocean when a babble of jellfish float by- that's nerve wracking, I could leap out of the water and run across it like a cartoon character. Maybe that's how Jesus did it- "Holy Cow! There's a ton of jellyfish floating by!" Peter was cracking up- "Lord! You were totally walking on water!"
.
But spiders parachuting down like invading troopers in the longest day?
.
A professor in Texas says: "Spiders use their silk as a simple parachute to carry them from one place to another. Light winds and rising thermals favor spider dispersal in this manner. The spider stands facing the air current from the top of a grass blade or other platform. (Spider platform?) Then, standing on tip-toe (spider tippy toe?) and with its abdomen pointed toward the sky it releases a stream of silk from its spinnerettes. When the wind currents catch the threads the spiders release their lauching pad and off they go."
.

"That's great professor"- (I feel like Raymond Burr in Godzilla) "Can we find a scientic way to stop em?" Maybe global warming will put an end to these light winds and thermals. Maybe global warming isn't such a bad thing.
.
And what's with the "pointing the abdomen towards the sky? Who else in nature does that? Oh yeah- hippies. They do that while enjoying their spinnerettes. I think parachute spiders are in league with hippies. Maybe that's why they both want to stop global warming. I'm going outside with an aerosal can right now- to do my part. Bring mother nature to her senses. We need to stop these hippie spiders by creating gale force winds and alternating temperatures between 20 below and 125 degrees. Make it look like Mercury out there.
.
Though with my luck spiders could find a way to parachute in a hurricane. Then you'd get a spider in your nose at a velocity of 200 miles per hour. That's just the boon they would want!
.
Is there any way to stop them! This is the end, THE END!!!!!

weapons of mass crunchin'

Usually you grab whatever is handy. A book, a shoe, a shotgun. There are so many weapons we can use to smoosh the spiders as they rebel against our presence on their planet. I have used a lot of various objects to kill spiders- a pan, a can of soup, a sledgehammer, a plush talking Barney.
.
Books work very nicely, they are everywhere. They can be thrown across the room, or dropped from atop a table. They can be brought down with sudden violence, or softly leaned onto a victim. They can be opened and shut on a spider, making an interesting book mark- or exciting page turner. It is usually easy to clean the book off and if not- well you can drop it off at the Friends of the Library sale.
.
I am not opposed to using a shoe to murder a bug- but honestly- who wants a smashed spider stuck in the treads of a shoe? It's hard to walk around knowing you have a spider corpse under your feet. I would rather find something else.
.
The decision has to be made fast! When a spider surfaces you only have seconds to quickly survey the battlefield and choose a weapon. "Hmmmm- what should I use to kill that spindly little abomination? The lamp?- no, my wife will kill me. A pillow? -no, my wife will kill me. I know! I'll use my wife!"
.
Yes, wives are the best when it comes to killing spiders. They will go get a small wad of toilet paper and release him outside where he can meet up with the rest of his battalion and regroup. Sometimes wives will grab a broom and sweep the spider out. I wonder what the spider thinks when that is happening. Wives are great. So if you are strong enough, you can smash a spider with your wife.
.
When you see a spider, you have to call dibs on who is going to kill it. If you want to defer, it helps to add drama to the event by jumping up suddenly and run outside screaming. That will leave your spouse the responsibility of dealing with the problem. When she comes outside to give you the all clear, you have had a refreshing beer break.
.
Unless she is bringing it out by it's leg to show you that there is nothing to fear. Oh there is plenty to fear. It means your wife is onto your little scheme.
.
Radiation kills spiders too- if you have enough. The microwave on it's defrost setting prolongs the death sentence and is a fun way to spend an evening. (Spider torture has not yet been banned.) But if you catch em and torture them- be prepared for the eventuality that it may escape and seek revenge. A little arachnid Rambo.

stung as a child

A lot of folk ask me why I hate spiders. They ask me if I was stung as a child. Nope, I wasn't bitten, stung or beaten by spiders. It was worse than that.
.
It was psychological trauma. See, I wasn't even scared of bugs till I was around 9 years old. I was in my Florida-home backyard, helping my Dad move some planks of wood off a huge junk pile. The pile had been there forever. I don't know why my parental guardians didn't think that a kid moving old wood was dangerous. It's not like there are any bugs in Florida.
.
Jumpin' Gee-Hoe-See-Fat! The sunshine state is a breeding ground of pestilence. Palm fronds, moisture, heat, shrubberies, trailer parks. Bugs are everywhere! Roaches. Big psychotic roaches. That's a whole nuther blog subject right there. Mosquitoes. Palmettos bugs. Wasps. Yellow jackets. Every evil creature that is looking for blood to suck comes to Florida. Just ask Jeb Bush.
.
So I lifted up one particularly large sheet of panelling and as we threw it over, a swarm of wood spiders erupted from underneath. It looked like a helicopter view of a riot in progress. Those wood spiders were nasty- they could jump really far and were extremely hyper. If you came near em, they'd jump at you. I still don't know how a spider could contemplate attacking a giant human. I'd be scared to attack a Brontosaurus, even tho they don't bite.
.
These wood spiders don't bite either, they aren't poisonous, but they are CREEPY. I remember studying them when I was little, and I thought they couldn't see me observing them- cause I was so big. But as I leaned in to look at em, they'd move to one side- anticipate my movement and turn around to face me. Like they are yelling: "Comon, COMON! Bring it, meatsack!" Maybe they were just bluffing, but that is also creepy that they would know to do that. Just downright all around creepy.
.
I was already skittish at the moment the hoard of barbarian spiders ran up into my bell bottoms. (Bell bottoms- what a dream for creatures trying to climb up your pant leg) My nervous system was more than nervous- it told my brain that thousands of little hairy tentacles were working their way North in my pants. My brain passed out.
.
I had no commander in chief now- so my nervous system took the wheel. I somersaulted up and over my Dad's head and sprinted across the yard while speaking, no- yelling in tongues. I vaulted my neighbors fence, startling her as she read by her pool, and dove in. I remember her face as she saw mine. Shock. Sheer shock.
.
You must understand that as I came over the fence, (Western style) I had already ripped my pants down. But I couldn't get em over my shoes. Honestly, I don't know how I was able to move. My expression was that of someone who was having an alien chew out of their stomach- plus I was sobbing and screaming.
.
Have you ever heard anyone sob and scream at the same time? (It's entertaining- as long as it's not you) I hit the water of the pool and thrashed wildly about, trying to get out of my skin. I don't really know if any spiders got into my clothes, but little bits of bark and possible spider refuse were floating nearby. That made me really crazy.
.
You know how when you're in a pool, and something unsavory is floating towards you, like a wrapper or a waterbug or a baby in a diaper on a floaty, and the more you move back, the more the current pulls the object closer to you? Yeah, well, I had a vortex going in the pool that day.
.
The authorities came and netted me out of the pool with that long blue flyswatter thing. I was wet and stressed out, I looked like a mangy dog pulled up from the Katrina carnage. My pants were off and I was standing there dripping in my spider man underoos. I don't remember my neighbor saying anything to me- she looked as scared of me as I now was of the spiders. I kept glancing toward the ground, kept looking for them....
.
Now whenever I see black lint or a wad of black thread on the floor, I stop and give it my full attention. I am still looking for them.......
.
And yes, Spider Man creeps me out too.